Oh So Kirk
by Skye Graham
Summary: Sheppard takes a wrong turn while visiting a friendly potential trading partner and disappears. Is he in trouble? Will the team find him in time?


**Title: Oh So Kirk**

**Author**: Skye Graham

**Rating: **K +

**Genres: **Humor

**Word Count:** 4240

**Spoilers: **None, set after Season 5

**Warnings:** Some language

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Carson Beckett, Jennifer Keller

**Other Characters**: Sergeant Oscar Kelliman, Sergeant Margolis Reed, Jacquelle and Mull- representatives of the Praxian Dolma.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned them they would still be living on Atlantis and saving the Pegasus and Milky Way Galaxies! All original ideas and other characters are mine. No money has been or will be made from the characters of 'Stargate Atlantis' who belong to MGM.

**Summary: **Sheppard takes a wrong turn while visiting a friendly potential trading partner and disappears. Is he in trouble? Will the team find him in time?

**Author's Notes: **My thanks to authors _**godsdaughter77**__, __**stella-pegasi**_, and _**theicemenace**_ for their encouragement and friendship. Thanks to godsdaughter77 for her help in polishing my fan fics. Also thanks go out to all the Stargate Atlantis fan fiction authors who have kept me entertained with stories of _our favorite team._ Last, but not least a big thanks to my sis SasseyJ who never fails to love, encourage and put up with me.

**Oh So Kirk**

**The Atlantis Jumper Bay**

"Why do I have to go?" Rodney slung his backpack over his shoulder as he hurriedly walked into the jumper bay. His face was red, and he was huffing a little from running from his lab.

Richard Woolsey stood watching John Sheppard at the back of the Jumper One try to push a few more power bars into his top vest pocket. "Remember," Sheppard addressed McKay all the while backing towards the pilot's seat. "You're _the_ science guy, Rodney. _You_ will be the one testing the ore from that mine. And, _you_ will be advising the ministry and Mr. Woolsey of its possible uses. You're an important part of this mission. You _are_ the mission." Sheppard schooled his face to look _sincerely_ serious.

"Oh …well…when you put it like that. I guess I could make time to go to PR2-5X4. You know it's nice to be recognized for one's contributions, Sheppard. Thanks." Coming quickly through the back of the jumper Ronon grabbed McKay by the back of his vest and hauled him into the co-pilot's seat just in front of Mr. Woolsey. Behind McKay, Woolsey was almost smiling. Ronon motioned Teyla to the seat directly behind Sheppard while he and the Sergeants Reed and Kelliman sat in the rear.

**Praxis**

Jumper One exited the gate on Praxis to a stunningly bright, sunny sky-blue morning. The white rock field that lay before the gate reflected the light back into the jumper with a force that had all but Sheppard and McKay squinting. Both men readjusted their sunglasses, glad they had remembered the eye-burning glare, from the stark white rocks that had greeted the team the first time they had discovered Praxis. That last time it had taken almost twenty minutes for their eyes to adjust, hence the sunglasses. Who knew the planet revolved around two suns.

Instead of walking the distance to the mountains this time, Sheppard had taken the jumper mainly because Rodney was just back on duty, after having had pneumonia, and he really didn't expect Mr. Woolsey to walk the long distance between the gate and the Praxian city.

"Ok everybody, we're getting ready to land. Please remember to return your seats back to the upright position." To Sheppard the standard air passenger _lingo_ never got old.

Rodney, sitting in the co-pilot's chair, next to Sheppard, rolled his eyes and murmured, "Oh please."

Sheppard landed the jumper smoothly, next to the first mountain range past the gate and lowered the ramp to allow the group to disembark. "Ok kids, let's go." The colonel waited for everyone to follow Ronon out of the back of the jumper while he went over his instructions to the marines who would wait with the jumper.

The climb was mercifully short with Ronon leading the group up the shortest, safest way. When the Atlantian group reached what looked like just another cave, two men suddenly appeared out of its dark recesses. Standing quietly the men waited for the Colonel to make his way to the front of the quiet Atlantian group.

"Jacquell." Sheppard greeted the well-dressed man with a big smile and a hearty two-handed handshake. The tall grey-haired man, the kings main representative, returned the colonel's smile and nodded towards his companion.

"Mull, glad to see you once again also."" Teyla shook the second man's hands and turned, presenting the older man's assistant to Mr. Woolsey and the waiting group. " Please may I present the leader of Atlantis, Mr. Richard Woolsey. You've already met Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon." Taking Sheppard's lead the group began shaking the second Praxian representative's hands. Once greetings were concluded the two Praxians motioned the small group to follow them.

Jacquell, the Dolma's main representative touched a pad on his arm and the rocks on the wall facing swung inward. Sheppard was still in awe of how these seemingly innocuous rock formations could hide such a large village within the mountain range. Apparently the Praxians had lived inside the large groups of mountain ranges that dotted the various landscapes of the planet for centuries: one, to hide from the Wraith and two, to stay away from the dinosaur-like creatures that co-inhabited the planet with them. Sheppard's team had discovered the planet and its dinosaur creatures while looking for an alternative alpha-site, during their first year stay at Atlantis. Apparently, there was more to Praxia than first met the eyes. It had taken two years for Sheppard and McKay to find the lost people of Praxia. Discovering a lush green landscape with what appeared to be crop plantings beyond the first mountain range, McKay and Sheppard had persisted looking for human life on the planet. Then one day, while on their way back from a mission McKay had found _the_ life-signs that he and and Sheppard had known would exist on this tiny plant at the very edge of the Pegasus and Sartin galaxies .

**The Mountain City of Bratellax**

The tunnel was well lit; the delegation and Sheppard's team walked down the incline and into the hollowed-out mountain. Light from outside the mountain came from carefully carved caves that also allowed also for air circulation- all without technology. The size of the city never ceased to amaze the Atlantian's whenever they visited. Rodney was most fascinated by the mysterious ore that would burn hot without smell, smoke, or pollution of any kind. He and his scientists were anxious to study this mysterious ore. Today would mark the culmination of the negotiations, hopefully into a treaty between Atlantis and Praxis. It was now up to Mr. Woolsey to broker the final deal. Today, Sheppard and Ronon were along for the ride. For once, John Sheppard was not going to have to do a thing but sit down and enjoy himself.

The city was like any other city the same kind of shops, buildings and people dealing with daily life. The group came to a halt near the large home built into the inside of the massive cavern inside of the mountain. The doors swung open almost by magic for there were no servants visible. This was the first time Sheppard and his team had been invited to the ruler's home. The delegation was made comfortable in the lounge area, given refreshments, and then left to wait for the Dolma of Praxis. (Dolma here was king- not at all like the dish on earth where meat, rice, and spices were stuffed into eggplants or tomatoes as Sheppard had…patiently…explained to McKay.) Only Woolsey had been taken directly to the Dolma. The wait to Sheppard had already lasted longer than he thought it would. He already had two huge glasses of the Praxian water to stave off his empty stomach when he decided he needed to find a restroom.

The colonel excused himself quietly, but not before telling Ronon where he was going. Leaving the room he looked around for someone he could ask about a restroom. Every time he drank the Praxian water he had to go, and every time he had promptly forgotten that until it was too late. He was going to have to check out this unfortunate side effect of the Praxian liquid. He continued down the long well-lighted stone hallway only to decide that he was totally lost. Everything looked the same.

**The Harem**

John rounded yet another bend in the long hall when he met up with two impressively large men guarding a doorway. They smiled at Sheppard's asking for the _relief_ room: he simply couldn't remember what else to call it. They smiled, and without a word indicated a door to his immediate right. Sheppard thanked them, opened the door, and walked in. What he saw made even him gasp. Never in his life had he seen anything like it. The room looked like the inside of a tent from the Arabian nights. It was filled with colorful silk curtains, and large sumptuous pillows, all richly decorated. Seated among the cushions on a large comfortable looking dais were nine women, all smiling. It was the smiling that got his attention. They had big smiles and expectant looks on their extremely diverse and beautiful faces. Some were young, some older but not one looked over forty. Some were red headed, and some were blonde, or brunette; some were slender and some larger, what Sheppard would call sumptuous figures. All wore revealing silks of myriad colors, the likes John hadn't seen in a long time.

"Ladies." He addressed the women, noticing how they seemed to hang on his every word. "I think I have the wrong room."

A short slender girl of no more than eighteen came up to him smiled and motioned him towards the gathering of women, "Come, we are expecting you. Our husband has done well." She hooked her arm in his and started leading him over to the now standing group.

John made to pull away. "I, uh, I'm sorry. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I don't belong here. I was looking to relieve, I mean go to the bathroom."

"Yes, bath room." The beautiful blonde secured the crook of his arm tighter and began to lead him away."We know who you are and why you have come."

He smiled, "Great, lead the way."

A second woman came up to his free side and took his other arm. "Yes, we must thank our husband for _The Gift_." They began to pull John toward the group of women who were talking in many different languages and smiling at him. He looked around to see if the rest of his team was anywhere near, hoping this was a joke.

More women surrounded him and began to murmur something in English about a gift. John was starting to get uncomfortable. "Listen ladies my name is Col. John Sheppard and..."

"Oh," one murmured, "our gift is '_The_ _Sheppard_.' "

John tried to pull away once more, "Uh, ladies I am not '_The Sheppard_.' I am just plain Col. John Sheppard from…"

They smiled in unison and began, once more, murmuring all at once, to move him towards a curtained archway. He ducked and was pulled into a room occupied mostly by a large shimmering pool of water that came gushing from the grotto in the wall. He was relieved when they walked to a small room where he was allowed to relieve himself.

"I was beginning to wonder if I was being understood." Before having taken three steps he was being plied with an amber-colored drink tasting of apricots. It was when they began to tug at his clothing that John realized that they meant to undress him. He was getting fuzzy-headed. He tried to stop them and suddenly realized that they were tickling him into submission. He was not comfortable with people he did not know getting familiar with him. Hell he didn't liked being touched, well except maybe by Teyla. How many times had he backed away from such displays even with people he knew? And now these strange women were tickling him and removing his clothes, tack vest and all with sure hands and no verbal arguments from him. For the first time in a long time John Sheppard was speechless!

All he could think of was how dead he would be when the Dolma discovered him with his wives and how mad Woolsey and the IOA would be when he caused Atlantis to lose the biggest agreement for trade and scientific exploration Atlantis, or his own planet had ever had. 'Oh John,' he thought as he was coaxed into the bath, 'You are so dead.' He closed his eyes thinking that if he did he would find it was a dream, a bad dream, that he was back in Atlantis and would wake up. He opened his eyes once more, sadly the women had not disappeared… 'Crap, I'm deep shit this time.'

Someone held a second, and then a third golden-colored glass to his lips, and told him to drink. The liquid was warm, as warm as the water and the hands that bathed him. He could feel the liquid slide down his throat and then felt himself relax. He contemplated for a brief moment the fact that these 'drinks' seemed to be lowering his inhibitions and in that brief moment a drug of some kind was the culprit. The thought was fleeting and with the attention and more wine he let it go. The bath was over as quickly as it had begun, and he was being toweled off. The young woman he had first seen reappeared and started to help him dress in a pair of brown silk slacks and a vest of gold and brown.

He was led back, into the first room where he was laid on the large dais of pillows and throws. It had been a dizzying walk from the bath to the dais. The women surrounded him, arranging themselves as closely around him as they could get. It was every man's nightmare and wildest wish combined into one. "Now '_The Sheppard_,' tell us of the wonders of your world…."

All Colonel John Sheppard, USAF, could say was, "_Holy Crap_!"

**The Dolma's Dining Room**

Teyla and Ronon noticed that Shepard had been gone quite some time when the Dolma returned with Mr. Woolsey and invited the Atlantians to celebrate the signing of the agreement between Atlantis and Praxis by sharing a meal and drinks. Mr. Woolsey graciously agreed, and they all were led to a large room with a massive wooden table with elaborately carved chairs. Once they were seated and the drinks passed out, the Dolma began to talk about how happy he was that Atlantis was a new trading partner. Rodney began asking the Dolma questions regarding the massive ore deposits, and how they were going to remove it without the Wraith becoming involved. One question led to another, food was served before Ronon could get a word in regarding the missing Colonel.

It was the Dolma who stopped speaking abruptly and suddenly looked around the massive table noticing that Sheppard actually _was_ missing. Embarrassed that he had not noticed earlier, he asked one of the servers nearest him where the colonel had gone. The Atlantians stiffened. The Dolma sensing their sudden wariness put both his hands up in a placating way." Oh my, I must apologize. Mr. Woolsey; I did not notice the colonel was missing, so fascinating was Dr. McKay's conversation on the ore."

Teyla laid her napkin down and leaned toward Mr. Woolsey, saying something only Woolsey could hear. Richard Woolsey slowly rose from his chair. "I'm afraid I also had not noticed Col. Sheppard was not here."

The Dolma stood up immediately and clapped his hands. The same two large men that had led John Sheppard down the corridor to the _Quarters of the Harem_ suddenly appeared. The Dolma spoke very quietly to one. Both suddenly looked horrified and began to babble in Praxian. Teyla and Ronon tried to keep up with what was being said. They ended up looking puzzled. Rodney, wasn't puzzled as much as he was just plain mad.

"Where's Sheppard?" Rodney suddenly demanded. In the space of ten minutes the conversation had gone from amiable and intellectual, to concern and almost panic. "You know, skinny guy, wild hair, big gun." In that time Rodney's arms had gone from hanging at his side sedately to flailing wildly in the air space around his body.

The Dolma looked upset. He put a slender hand out as if to placate the group. "There has been a terrible mistake."

Rodney threw his head back. Now his face was red, his blue eyes big as saucers. "Mistake! What kind of mistake! How can you loose one tall, skinny, wild-haired, hot-shot pilot? He's got to be returned. What kind of idiots do you employ?"

Before Rodney could blurt out anything more Teyla put her hand over his mouth and quietly asked in that calm, cool voice of hers, "What kind of mistake?"

"Please be seated and I will tell you what has happened." Teyla looked at the Dolma. He seemed both upset and contrite at the same time. "Please, be seated. Let me reassure you that the Colonel is in good hands."

Teyla knew there was a lot was at stake. She also knew that Ronon and Rodney were barely waiting to hear the explanation before storming through the residence to find their friend and ruining Atlantis' hard won treaty. She looked to Woolsey for confirmation before she spoke. At his nod she chose the quickest way she knew to calm the situation before all hell broke loose. "Dolma, we are very worried about our friend. We will listen to your explanation. Be assured that no treaty is worth the life of our friend. His well-being will dictate our reactions and any future our two people will have together." She waved Rodney and Ronon to chairs at the large dining table. Rodney glared at her with the petulant look of a child before he sat in the chair with a huff that promised, if the explanation was not quick, he would be finding Sheppard on his own. Ronon remained standing his arms crossing his large chest, his whole demeanor hostile.

The Dolma also reclaimed his chair. "I must tell you right away your Sheppard is now with the women of my household. They are taking good care of him."

"Good care?" Rodney blurted out, "My god what did you people do to him?"

The Dolma once again looked uncomfortable, "There is a gift I bestow on my wives every five years." Ronon looked like he was about to explode but kept still. "This gift is the presence of another man."

Teyla's mouth fell open, "You _gifted_ your wives with Sheppard?"

The man looked pale for the first time, "Well not exactly. Your colonel was found in the hallway near the quarters of my wives. The guards naturally assumed he was _The Gift_."

"_The gift_?" Rodney stood up. "You just can't gift someone another human being. Oh-well-you could, but then…Well, ah, you know...you just can't"

The Dolma's hand went up and effectively cut Rodney off. "It is a custom of my family for many centuries. The wives of the Dolma live in virtual seclusion of contact with any man over the age of twenty and five. But to show the love I have for my wives I grant them contact with another adult male for their happiness and well-being every five years."

"Oh my god, that's barbaric. No, no, no, no! That's appalling! Get Sheppard now!" Rodney was standing, both hands on the table glaring at the older man. "Now, I say."

"Well there is a small complication." He looked from Woolsey to Rodney, who still stood over the man.

"What problem?" this time it was Teyla, her voice quiet and steady. "Is he, ok?"

"Oh, quite. He just had a little reaction to the wine." He stood for the second time since the information came out about Sheppard's disappearance. "If you would follow me, I myself, will take you to Col. Sheppard."

The Dolma led the leader of Atlantis and his delegation down a long brightly-lit hallway. Guarding the only doors to be seen at the end of the hall the team could see the same two large men who had come to tell the Dolma what had happened to Sheppard. Both stood at attention while one held open the door to a silk tented room. The women inside were dressed in all colors of silk sitting around Col. Sheppard. He didn't look hurt. Rather, instead, he looked like he'd had a bath and was ready for bed. Oddly enough he was talking of Ferris wheels when he looked up and saw Woolsey, Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney. "Hi guys. Why don'tcha come over and me-et my new fri-ends." He hiccuped.

The Dolma smiled, "See, he is fine, just a little drunk." The Dolma clapped his hands and the women began leaving but not before they each planted a kiss on Sheppard's lips.

"Bye ladies." The colonel called after the retreating women.

"I hope Mr. Woolsey, the colonel won't be too mad when he gets back to your Atlantis. I will leave now and let you get the colonel dressed." And with that he left the room followed by a smiling Woolsey.

Sheppard was now lying flat on his back gesturing towards his friends, "Hey guys, come-on o-ver here. These pillows are really sofff." Colonel John Sheppard was slurring his words. Rarely had anyone seen or heard him drunk.

Teyla and Ronon burst out laughing. Rodney started grumbling. "Only you would get drunk with the King's wives. You could have gotten yourself killed!"

Sheppard smiled at that, "But I didn't Rodney-did you know they called me _The Sheppard_?"

It took all of thirty minutes to get the colonel dressed. He tried to help, yet every time he did it only set them back further. Sheppard had no clue he was hindering their progress; it was obvious he had limited control over his body. In the end he finally lay back on the on the bed exhausted and panting as the team finished dressing him in his BDU's.

"Yep, _The Sheppard_...Did you know Rodney, that no one has ever called me _The Sheppard_ before?" he was grinning like a twelve year old kid who had been given not just one piece of candy but the whole jar.

""Yes, yes, that is funny Sheppard. Not!" the scientist grabbed Sheppard by his vest and he and Ronon pulled the man to his feet. They walked the staggering man from the King's house and through the small village.

It took more time to get to the jumper as Sheppard kept trying to wander off, first in the city when he would see shiny things hanging from booths, along the way, and then later, down the mountain path, where he would be caught looking up at the dark sky, heavy with the light of stars seemingly just beyond his touch. In the end, Ronon had to grab the tab,at the back of his vest, and lead the constantly talking, wobbling man to the jumper below. As they laughingly filed into the jumper, Sheppard continued his random talking.

"Did you know, uh, Teyla that Johnnee Cash joined the Air Force in 1950. And, and he married June... Carter when I was born in 1968-or, or, was that 1967-in which case-that would be, uh." He swung around to Rodney, "Rodney how old am I? I can't seem to remember." He started chuckling.

"I'm not telling you Sheppard. Get away from me; you're drunk." Rodney's face wrinkled with disdain.

Suddenly John Sheppard stopped dead in his tracks, his face loosing its alcohol induced smile, and addressed his grumbling friend seriously," Rodney, I couldn't help it. There were _11_ of them. They—kidnapped –- me." he said petulantly.

"_Kirk_!" Rodney responded, continuing forward, to sit down in the co-pilots chair across from Sgt. Reed and pretended to ignore his best friend.

Following Rodney into the forward cabin, "They _took_-_my clothes_-and _made me drink_—some—thing." He looked honestly hurt and sincere as if trying to explain the injustice of it all by a single gaze alone.

"_Kirk_!" was Rodney's only response.

Ronon dumped Sheppard in the seat behind Sgt. Reed. "But Rodney, _there were 14 _of them. I didn't have a chance." _No one_ could look as serious and sincere, at that moment, than John Sheppard.

Rodney turned from looking at Sheppard to look out the jumper window, "You are _so Kirk_!"

Everyone in the Jumper burst out laughing as John slouched in his chair, in the perfect image of a sulky teenager..

finis


End file.
